Coffee Breakfast

Things I Lost in the Fall

Truth is often messy. It's complicated. Hard to blog about. Because truth- the whole of it- doesn't always dovetail into a post about rhubarb or biscuit dough. It isn't shiny and pastel sprinkled or predigested for your consumption. What I'm feeling lately is raw and no doubt undercooked, and I'm not even sure I understand it. So, what, exactly, is it?

Besides the ability to straddle, to jog up the patio steps, to sway to Iris Dement while stirring onions, to heft groceries from the back seat, lug heavy Mexican chairs over into the sun, to reach the top edge of a five-foot canvas and lay down a swath of color, walk back, step forward, add more paint, back up, mix color (do this for hours). Or even just sit on the floor. Cross my legs. Curl up in a chair with a book.

But it's more than these things, even. More than the physical struggle back to a modified semblance of wholeness. It's the acidic sensation of sliding backwards in time, losing ground you worked so hard to get to, to claim as your own. The foothold that didn't come easy to a questioning hyper-vigilant child. A cultivated center of pure confidence. The belief in I am here. Entitlement.

The right to take up floorspace and wall space, to carve out time, spend money on materials. Make mistakes, explore, discover. Play. To start over somewhere new and unfamiliar. The right to disappoint someone else. To confuse them. To place someone else's needs next to your own- instead of in front of your own.

More was broken than a hip.

And ten months later, I am still mending. Not just knitting marrow and stretching fifty-year old muscles that knot and resist. There are invisibles I have lost.

And I am no longer bold enough, or naive enough, to simply assume I'll get them back.

***

Gluten-free apple sausage patties for breakfast. Easy.

Got a hankerin' for breakfast sausage but your food allergies hold you back? Me too, Babycakes. Looking at those labels can be downright scary. Spices? Well, um, which spices, exactly, are we talking about? Fennel is doable. But mustard? The price I pay is too high. Natural flavors? Don't get me started. 1-800 inquiries usually lead to an indifferent audible sniff followed closely by: "It's proprietary." [Translation? Take a hike, we don't have to tell you bubkis.]

But I have good news.

Making your own sausage isn't hard. If I can do it so can you. You don't even have to run out and get some crazy-fangled sausage stuffer. Unless you really, really want to Sweetcakes. Do like I do.

Make patties instead.

Delicious and easy gluten-free sausage patties.

I used a blend of organic antibiotic-free ground turkey and pork for my ground meat blend. The apple and maple gives these sausages an old fashioned, homey breakfast flavor.

1 pound ground organic turkey

1 pound ground organic pork

1 large apple, peeled, cored and diced very fine

2 tablespoons finely minced sweet onion

3 tablespoons pure maple syrup- the good stuff

1-2 teaspoons fennel seed, to taste

1 teaspoon ground sage

1/2 teaspoon nutmeg

Sea salt and black pepper, to taste

Mix all of the ingredients in a large bowl till blended; and form 15 balls with the mixture. Pat into patties.